You know how a young group of friends have one stable couple while the rest of the gang fall in and out with a procession of lovers? We were that couple. I don’t know if stable is the best word to describe us. There was a lot of volatility and even spasms of violence. We were forging something new. Something that was neither of us but was both of us.

There were others – 4 to be precise – who I wanted to know that ultimate intimacy with but I was never one for the simple fuck-and-run. I needed sex to be more transcendent. I needed us to be one mind, one body, one soul, and I was willing to give up a chunk or two of my individual self to get it.

There are times when I wonder if I am weak, even cowardly, in restraining the part of me that craves that intimacy. I like to tell myself that denying desire can be its own strength but I know the capacity I have for self-deception. I also know there are some desires I don’t deny. But most of the time I think my only alternative path was “take that face! Now your nose is in a bloody puddle on the floor. You keep it up and I will pluck an eye out. Don’t think I won’t.”