The Leap of Faith

I’ve been here before. Three times before to be exact. And each time a part of my life ended and another one started I’ve had to take a leap of faith to bridge the gap. One danger of taking the leap is that you might fall. Another is that you might not like where you land. So far I’ve been good on both counts.

The first leap I took was the one that got me here in 1962. I was incredibly lucky to land in a warm incubator of a family filled with the love of my parents and brothers, with lots of support and encouragement. As I was growing up I learned how to draw and write play the guitar. Life has the appearance of passing in a predictable and measurable pattern of minutes, days, and years but I’ve experienced my life in these stages between leaps. By the end of the first stage I was like most young artists: more enthusiasm than ability. Not that there’s anything wrong with enthusiasm. The first stage ended when I went away to college; it lasted 18 years.

I took the second leap in 1980 when I left home for school. I fell in love with the woman who is still by my side, leaping right along with me, and I met the people who would become my life-long friends and artistic collaborators. My brother James is the only friend and collaborator that predates the second stage. During this stage I wrote my first novel, spent a few years writing screenplays, and formed the band Late Model Humans. We recorded some demos and played at CBGBs and The Bitter End and other clubs down in the Village. It was a time of expanding consciousness in a lot of ways. This stage ended when my son was born. It lasted 15 years.

I took the third leap in 1995 when I became a father. It’s an experience so unlike any other that it couldn’t help but change everything about me, including my art. It took a lot of my time and attention, especially in the early days, to see that his own first stage was as enriching and enjoyable as possible. The experiences we shared when he was small took me back to my own childhood and reminded me that limitless options always exist. I wrote three more novels and even got one of them published. I wrote a stage play and that took me back to the dialogue-driven writing of the screenplays. Watching the staged reading of my play filled me with the same kind of excitement I felt when I played onstage with the band. When my novel was published I also felt a rush over the possibility of working as a novelist. There are times when I can barely keep up with the story in my head when I’m writing a novel. It’s like taking dictation. I also got back into writing short stories and was able to get a few of those published as well. My brother and I found a rehearsal studio in 2000 and began renting a space dedicated to our music. We recorded 5 albums worth of original music and some people even listened to it. This stage ended after 18 years.

The fourth leap happened this year. I quit a job I’d worked for 23 years and a band I’d been in for 20. My son went away to college. A lot of space opened up in life. The heaviest lifting of parenthood is probably behind me now (and I’m lucky enough to be the father of a son who only ever required very light lifting). I started a new job in a field that doesn’t interest me but even there I’ve found some new, unexpected sources of confidence and inspiration. This stage will probably last for the next 15-20 years and is most likely the last one that will be very productive. I’ve learned a lot over the last five decades and now intend to harvest whatever seeds I’ve sown over that time. I’m determined to devote myself more fully than I’ve been able to before to creative expression. I wake up each morning before I have to get ready for work and I write. The form of writing varies from novel to song to short story to play to flash fiction and a lot of it will find its way here.

I hope that you will check in with this site from time to time and that you will find something to amuse, intrigue, relax, or inspire you in my Words & Music.

Next up: Flash Fiction Friday.

Late Model Humans

I quit the band. You might like Late Model Humans, if you go in for that sort of thing. We’re like Linus’s pumpkin patch, sincere. Every member of the band genuinely loves music and that comes through in the playing. It was one of the great experiences of my life playing in this band and the amount of joy it brought me is immeasurable. But in the end it was like the end of any relationship: once the decision is made to move on it’s very hard to smile and play nice. I just wanted to leave and put it behind me.

We played together in one form or another for more than half my life. By the end we were up to four songwriters and we all took our craft seriously. We fed off each other as writers so that even though we each had a distinct songwriting style we managed a fairly cohesive sound with our arrangements, common influences, harmonies and instrumentation.

A relationship between two people, even the best, can be hard sometimes, and a relationship between five people pulling in different directions is almost impossible. It’s a small miracle that we lasted as long as we did.

Before I cashed in my chips we were able to get into the recording studio one last time and put together a final batch of songs. When I was younger I loved going into the studio, probably because I felt like I was doing something professional with my dreams. But this time around it became painfully clear that we were decidedly not trying to do anything professional. Not that we weren’t trying to do something good. You can judge the validity of the experiment for yourself. Music is a very personal thing and for anyone whose tastes run in our direction we might be a new source of pleasure.

Things end. That’s part of life. They can end pretty or they can end ugly. The can be amicable or argumentative. Usually, it’s some of both. But once they end there’s a certain beauty to their finality – to know that you can let go of any little grudges and annoyances and remember what got things started in the first place.

Like any good relationship we were more than the sum of our parts. There were moments when we were all playing together and everything fell into place, each of our parts locking into the others’, when I felt like I was riding a wild horse. There was an uncontrollable energy under us and it was a hell of a ride.

The blessing and the curse of the band was our camaraderie. In the end it overshadowed the music. We were having so much fun that it took me a while to realize that our priorities were not in sync, that some of us were having successful hobbies while others were having failed careers. That’s just the sort of thing that causes tension. And that feeling of failure can really sting.

So, like I said, I quit the band.

Tomorrow: The Leap of Faith

(Just Like) Starting Over

I’m 51 years old, which is kind of late in life to start a career, but it looks like it’s only going to get later from here. The idea of starting over, starting from scratch, turns out to be a very liberating and exciting one. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Certainly not an old dog.

When I was about fifteen I learned how to play guitar. From the moment my fingers dug into the strings, up until a few months ago, it was my dream to be a professional musician. Better yet, a rock star. I spent a large portion of the subsequent years playing music, writing music, recording music, producing, arranging, performing and dreaming about music. Almost every friend I made in high school, college and beyond got roped into playing music with me. And we jammed and jammed and jammed some more. And then we jammed some more after that. It felt too good not to. We wrote and sang and played in bars around lower Manhattan under the name Late Model Humans. Time passed, a lot of time, and the musical career never got off the ground. All other facets of life grew and faded but that one just sat there. Most of my bandmates found other careers. Music became for them what it never was for me: a hobby. So I quit the band.

All the while, as I was writing songs, I was also writing other things: short stories, then novels, then screenplays, then a stage play and more novels. A few years ago my novel The Zoo was published. More and more of my creative time and energy shifted from playing music to writing fiction.

I first started to be a serious reader in high school when I read Slaughterhouse Five, and found in Kurt Vonnegut’s words a solace and a kinship that I found nowhere else, not even in music. From then on I was as immersed in the world of books as I was in the world of records. Mark Twain, Dostoyevsky, and Walt Whitman were as essential to me as The Beatles and Dylan and The Ramones.

I intend to use this corner of cyberspace to explore my creativity by any means necessary. Each Monday and Wednesday I’ll post some short fiction, or song, or essay, and I’ll accompany the words and music with imagery: photographs, drawings, paintings or video. There’ll be collaborations with other artists and each Friday will feature an original piece of flash fiction. And I will fumble forward the way I always have: with Words & Music.

Tomorrow: Late Model Humans